You’ve probably heard the story before, the woman who wants to train jiu-jitsu but her boyfriend or husband won’t let her. Or the other way around, the girlfriend who picks a fight because her partner trains.
Yeah, that kind of drama happens more often than people think.
So let’s try to help out those who still see “this grappling thing” as a source of jealousy, tension, or relationship crisis.
Everyone Has a Reason to Be on the Mat
Let’s be honest here, everyone starts training jiu-jitsu for a reason,
Some take it seriously and evolve,
Some are just testing the waters,
Some ride the wave of what’s trendy,
Some are there for health or as a hobby,
And yes, some show up just to “get lucky” with the opposite sex.
No big surprises so far, these types exist in every sport and every social setting.
So why is jiu-jitsu such a lightning rod for conflict?
Simple, the “close contact” nature of the sport feeds the insecurities of outsiders and opens the door for a whole lot of misinterpretation.
From the Outside, It Looks… a Bit Too Close
If your partner practices BJJ, it’s okay to feel a little weird the first time you see them rolling with someone else, bodies locked in a confusing frenzy of grips, sweeps, and guard passes.
It looks intense. It is intense. There’s sweat, limbs everywhere, awkward angles, yeah, we get it.
But if you understood what jiu-jitsu is really about, you wouldn’t see it as threatening. I guarantee it.
Jiu-Jitsu Pays the Price for Being Misunderstood
Grappling naturally gives room for outsiders to create all kinds of negative interpretations.
Some people take that and run wild with it, thinking it’s all just an excuse for cheating or bad behavior.
But let’s be clear, blaming jiu-jitsu for someone’s character is like blaming a spoon for making you fat.
Of course, we’re not going to sugarcoat it, yes, some people do go to gyms just to flirt or hook up.
That’s reality. But…
The Gentle Art Has Its Own Filter, Natural Selection
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years, serious jiu-jitsu gyms naturally weed out the bad apples.
People who don’t train seriously, who gossip, who create awkward situations, who damage the team’s reputation, they don’t last.
Time and the team itself will make sure they’re gone.
It’s not the sport’s fault, it’s a matter of personal character.
And BJJ has a way of exposing that faster than most things in life.
Insecurity Does Not Equal Truth
Many people have a weird tendency to blame others for their own insecurities and frustrations.
They point fingers at jiu-jitsu to justify their lack of trust in their partner.
They don’t even try to understand the sport.
That’s how we get to that dreaded line,
“It’s either jiu-jitsu or me.”
My Story, I Chose Both and I Learned a Lot
As a woman who’s been training for almost 19 years, let me be real,
Yes, I’ve dealt with harassment.
But every single time, a well-placed “no” or an armbar solved the problem.
What does that tell you?
Boundaries, character, communication, attitude
They matter in every part of life, at home, at work, at school and of course, on the mat.
If You Love Someone Who Trains Jiu-Jitsu
Before you start spinning conspiracy theories, try to actually understand the sport.
When taken seriously, BJJ becomes an addiction in the best way.
People train for hours, not because of who’s there, but because of the training itself.
Respect and friendship grow.
The team becomes family.
I’ve seen so many people who were given the ultimatum,
“Me or jiu-jitsu”
And you know what?
Many of them chose jiu-jitsu.
Just like that.
Text by Erika Vilhena
Originally published on BJJ Girls Mag